Why is it so hard to say ‘I’m sorry’? What are the mental barriers that make it so hard to admit when we’ve done something wrong?

Dr Rebecca Scheibmair is a practicing clinical psychologist here in Central Otago. She answers questions sent in by our readers as we explore topics and issues affecting us and our communities.

Saying sorry is one of the first things we teach our children. So why is it as adults that ‘sorry’ seems to be the hardest word – especially when we’ve wronged someone who matters to us.

This week’s question was sent in to us by a reader who wondered why we often find it so hard to admit to others when we’ve done wrong and apologise.

We all do things we regret or wish we could undo. We all know how tempting it can be to deny the harm we have done or shift blame to someone else.

Working up the courage to make amends can sometimes feel really hard. Why is that? Why do we often find it really hard to apologise, especially to the people we love?

Think about the last time someone wronged you. Did they apologise? Or did they say something else? 

Now think about the last time you wronged someone else. Did you apologise? Or did you jump to defend yourself?

When we are accused of doing something bad, our first reaction might be denial – ‘It wasn’t me’, to come up with an excuse – an adult version of ‘the dog ate my homework’, or minimisation – ‘you’re over-reacting’, and self-pity.

These reactions often have consequences, making things worse, not better.

Rebecca says the first explanation for why we jump to defend ourselves when we’ve done something wrong is that we are ultimately social creatures.

“We’ve learned that life works better when we interact with others, so if anything threatens our part in the group we will jump first to denial.

“It’s instinct, a natural protection mechanism - Have I done something that is going to affect my sense of belonging in this group?

“I need to defend against that.”

Rebecca says we just need to be aware that this is a natural instinct. The more we are aware of that fact, the more we have the ability to override that initial instinct and choose whether that’s what we want to do, or whether there’s a better way.

Apologies can be positive, Rebecca says.

“Apologies allow us to admit we are human, that we have feelings and emotions and that sometimes we get it wrong.

“It gives us the space not to have to constantly strive for perfection, and allows others to do the same.

“In this way, saying ‘sorry' connects us.”

Rebecca says it’s about vulnerability. Think about the last movie you watched. That big, tough character that never shows emotion, when they finally show a glimpse of vulnerability, do you notice a change in how you feel about them?

“We often start to relate to the character at that point, and feel more connected to them and the challenges they are going through.

“That’s exactly how it works in our own lives as well.

So, next time you do something wrong, think about your reaction. Saying sorry can stop the snowball effect of all parties needing to protect themselves, potentially leading to bad feelings and unintended consequences.

‘Sorry’ can be a great connector.

Email Mary at [email protected] with any questions or topics you would like Rebecca to answer in future articles. We promise not to print your name; all questions will be anonymous – just like this one.

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