What do the things we own say about who we are? Why do we buy things we don’t need, and why can’t we let go?

Dr Rebecca Scheibmair is a practicing clinical psychologist here in Central Otago. She answers questions sent in by our readers as we explore topics and issues affecting us and our communities.

Why do we own things? And what do the things we own reveal about us?

This week’s topic comes from a reader whose father recently passed away. They had an overwhelming feeling of not being able to part with anything that belonged to dad.

It’s hard for many people to let go of things. That’s because the things we own can have deep meaning for us.

200 years ago, people owned a lot less stuff. It took a lot of time and skill to make household items. Then, with the industrial revolution came steam powered machinery; one person could produce many more items with mechanisation. With the exponential rise in productivity came an exponential rise in products, and the need for businesses to sell us more and more. So started the psychology of buying more and more things.

Rebecca says we often regard our possessions as extensions of ourselves, things that say something about us.

“Advertising certainly plays on that; it’s one of the reasons why we accumulate things and also why it can be hard to let go.”

Comedian George Carlin once joked our houses are just a pile of stuff with a cover on it.

Buying more is one thing, but sometimes we also find it hard to let go of things. It’s a double-edged sword - we accumulate.

“Everyone holds on to things for different reasons; the important thing is not to judge ourselves, or others, for wanting to keep something.

“Objects can hold meaning and personal connections; sometimes you feel like you don’t have permission to let go if it was a gift, or belonged to someone special.

“It can feel like you’re being disloyal, or they expect you to keep it.”

Sometimes, Rebecca says, it can be a worry that you might need it later or will regret parting with it. But a big reason for holding onto things can be a way of keeping memories alive.

“Things can be very emotive, a way of triggering happy memories or a particular point of time in your life.

“It’s also a way of trying to keep consistency – when things change and life is full of uncertainty, familiar objects tend to be a constant.”

Think of what makes your home feel like home – you walk in, the things there are yours, familiar, chosen for your own reasons, reminding you of someone, or things that are just you.

I look around me as Rebecca speaks. I see family photos, a TV we carefully saved for, a dining table with scratches made by our children when they were young, an old clock passed down through the generations. She’s right. I wouldn’t want to part with any of it, it’s what makes our home a home.

“It’s your space, and that becomes even more important when a loved one isn’t there any more, or in this world with its ever-changing nature and busyness.”

When we think of trying to get rid of things and decide what we do hold on to, it is yet another difficult decision among the many, many decisions we have to make in life.

“It’s something else that takes up our emotional capacity, it can become a bit overwhelming, so it’s often easier to just put it on hold.”

As Rebecca continues, I’m thinking of all the cardboard boxes in my shed. Things I should really sort, but haven’t. Things that used to belong to my Mum, things I’ll never use – but it was easier to pack them up than to get rid of them.

“It’s trying to remember that your memories aren’t actually held in those objects.

“If you do want to move forward, think about the things that are important to you, and why. Those are the things you want around you.”

Sometimes taking a picture of something can be enough of a memory and help you let go, Rebecca suggests.

“Also, think about the life that object is going to have for somebody else, it could become someone else’s treasure.”

Rebecca says we might hold onto things for constancy, but to think of a time when you needed a fresh start. Maybe it was the end of a relationship, moving town, changing jobs. Letting go of the familiar and starting afresh might have been a big step at the time, but it also opened the door for new possibilities. Food for thought.

Email Rowan at [email protected] with any questions or topics you would like Rebecca to answer in future articles. We promise not to print your name; all questions will be anonymous – just like this one.

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