This week’s question is about arguments - Are arguments good or bad? Should you avoid them or have it out?

Dr Rebecca Scheibmair is a practicing clinical psychologist here in Central Otago. She answers questions sent in by our readers as we explore topics and issues affecting us and our communities.

Do you ever have arguments where the end result isn’t what you want? Rebecca says arguments can indeed become damaging. The important thing is to recognise when it’s important to say your piece, but to say it in a way that gets a good result.

By the way, the skills you should practice when you have a difference of opinion with your partner, parent, child, or friend, will help you with negotiation or conflict resolution in any scenario.

“It is healthy to argue,” Rebecca says, “but there is a good way to argue.”

“One of the keys is to make it about now.”

We can have a tendency, she says, to drag in ‘You always do this’, ‘You never do that’, ‘What about the time you did this?’. 

To work towards a positive outcome, you need to be specific. What is the issue we are dealing with now, and how do we manage that?

“The other thing with good communication in partnerships is to focus on your own behaviour or your own feelings.

“We often talk about ‘I’ statements, saying, ‘When you do that, it makes me feel like this.’ ‘This is what I need from you’.

“It lets the other person know the impact of their behaviour, but in a non-blaming way.”

It’s all about stating what they did, it’s not saying they purposely did it, but this is the actual impact it had, Rebecca explains.

“It works well, whether it’s in work teams, friendships, partnerships, relationships with children, parents, anything really.”

Rebecca says it’s okay to have rocky times in any relationship.

“This is about remembering that relationships are hard.

“You are two different people coming together with different backgrounds, different ideas, different stresses, different needs.

“To have difficult times and to feel angry, or feel sad, or feel disappointed, or feel frustrated or hurt is all part of a normal relationship.

“It’s more about how we navigate that.”

Email Mary at [email protected] with any questions or topics you would like Rebecca to answer in future articles. We promise not to print your name; all questions will be anonymous – just like this one.

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